Idle

I wonder. And wonder.

About how I would be like in a few years' time.

I've been reading other people's blogs, including their older posts too. Same people, but just very slightly different when they were younger.

I wrote a letter to my 17-year-old self when I was 14. (See? So young and already so random!) I wanted to open it on my sixteenth birthday, but my willpower was sufficiently kukuh for me to resist the temptation. So I guess I'll have to wait for another year.

I haven't forgotten what I was like when I was 14 - PMR year. My journals still have records of my boring daily life, all those complaints about unfairness, exams, stress and incomprehensible people. (Like I don't complain about the same things now.) I still read my journals (bit of ego here), and it's odd to read about the person I was then.

I seemed very familiar, but I can't believe that I was that person too...Back then there was not much talk about my future and my chosen career. There was angst, but not as much as now. It wasn't overwhelming then. Heck, nobody even cared if I couldn't choose between Science and Arts streams then. It was so simple - get into Science because my results were good enough. The students there are better; the teachers are better; you'll do better. I listened to all that and got into Science.

It was so much more easier.

I didn't even have to choose. I just went with the flow.

But now that I'm older and SPM is coming up and my future gets so near...things are starting to not make sense. What was so easy then seems deceptively complicated now.

The self. It changes every day, and I'm not aware of it. It's miraculous. It's ethereal. It breaks and it crumbles and it rebuilds. An unending cycle until you're dead - and then everything starts again.

I'm tired and elated at the same time.

I want this to end, but I don't want it to stop too.

Form 5 has been one of my favourite school years. I loved it - and occasionally, hated it.

If you want to say that this is life, then go ahead. I know it is.

And suddenly
I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part
That don't last
I'm losing you
And its effortless

~ Over My Head, The Fray

You're never going to get the thing you want.
Not till you work out what it is you want.
You don't actually want the thing you want.
You only want what you can't have. You want
it blindly. What it is you think you want
is nothing like what you actually want.
You've still got to work it out, what you want
and what it is, the real meaning of want.

~ The Accidental, Ali Smith

And before I forget:

HAPPY 16TH BIRTHDAY JESSIE!