Ohaiz

In a desperate attempt to be unfunny, I shall refrain from cracking jokes which are:

a. crude
b. suspect
c. vaguely hilarious in a non-cerebral sense

I shall refrain from writing posts which try too hard to be funny until you can see the effort that I'm making.

I shall refrain from ever writing random stuff that people may find too abstract to find funny.

I shall refrain from fangirling about David Archuleta, Johnny Depp, James McAvoy, and the whole host of men who are not in my life, but who, nevertheless, I find attractive.

I shall further refrain from blogging about my emotional life and the mood swings I may get from PMS. (Because you know PMS is a handy excuse every time a girl starts getting histrionic.)

I shall also refrain from blogging posts like this because it is not entertaining and does nothing to pull in any potential readers.

I shall furthermore refrain from posting pictures of myself here because it is against my code of honour and dragons will be slayed the moment I ever post cutesy pictures of myself in various flattering poses with gobs of eyeliner and mascara. (Not that I even own either mascara or eyeliner, but that is not the point.)

I shall refrain from posting Youtube videos of artistes that people won't actually listen to.

I shall curb my need to rant here, because I have my private journal for that.

I shall, in future, only blog in a manner which will stimulate your thoughts and which will not attempt to elicit a chuckle whatsoever, due to the fact that I am inexperienced in being humorous when it comes to more cerebral jokes.

Take that all out, darling, and you'll be left with an empty blog. Sod it.

PS - This is very true. I mean, which author am I going to rant against if the other half likes the same books as I do? Like Murakami, for instance. Re-reading Norwegian Wood put me off him for reasons I can't know. And there's always the fun of telling the other person, "I'm not going to read that - it sucketh most!" And said person can't beat you up for that, because bibliophilic harassment isn't a valid reason to beat people up with.

Somewhere only I know

in the deep dark corners of my brain, a Vogon lives.

Cos it spouts crappage like this:

My love is like hot teh tarik
That cheereth me when I'm sad
And with ice, it comforteth me
When the sun doth burneth thee.

For mine love knows only one,
You may ask: Who is that someone?
But I telleth not, for my love is true
It is my epidemic, like swine flu.

Oh how I compareth my love
To teh tarik; nay, do not laugh
'Tis the best comparison I could maketh
Although thou might write better rhymeth.

How do I love thee?
Let me counteth the ways:
I love you cold; I love you sweet
And like some, I like it hot.

Why is it that I can write rubbish like this but I still can't potong babi properly? I fail wei. I can has babi cincalok?

YOU CAN HAZ MOAR DAVID ARCHULETA. Hands off Chin Lei, he's MINE.



And this guy happens to be the teenage Dumbledore. Why do I get the feeling that after the movie's released, Dumbledore/Grindelwald fics will increase at a rate that they shouldn't?

Fanfiction. It has ruinated my brain D:

Scene from a phone call: Part 2

(As requested by Ken Vin, who asked for Part 2 when he should be studying for P, ha!)

~*Here Be Spoilers to the new Transformers movie*~

[So read at your own discretion, okays?]

Scriptwriter 1 to the new Transformers movie: So I've got, like, some ideas for the new movie.

Scriptwriter 2: Okay, shoot.

S 1: There'll be more Megan Fox.

S 3: Obviously.

S 2: The director's asking us to include details of her wardrobe too.

S 2: What for?

S 3: As many costume changes as possible, he said. And a really good one for the final bang, if you know what I mean.

S 1: You mean...a loud, messy, Everything is Destroyed kind of bang, right?

S 3: *rolls eyes* What were you thinking?

S 2: *smirk* Got it. Anything else?

S 1: You haven't even heard my ideas yet!

S 3: *sigh* Okay, go ahead.

S 1: How about Egypt?

S 2: China?

S 3: Start in China. Lots of destruction in...Beijing? Shanghai? Shanghai sounds good.

S 2: Got it.

S 1: And ask props if they can include the logo for Malaysia Airlines in the bottom left corner for a more...global feel.

S 3: Why Malaysia?

S 2: The stewardesses are hot. Have you seen those tight-fitting kebayas?

S 1: My point exactly.

S 3: Anything, anything. Okay, so another cover-up by the government?

S 2: Yeah. You know what the Chinese are like. All that hush hush.

S 3: Kinda like us too.

S 1: The point is. The point is. The point is - the Chinese will believe their government.

S 2: Chyeah.

S 3: Okay, whatever. Any more ideas, S 1?

S 1: We'll resurrect Megatron. And...er...cos it's the pyramids in Egypt, we'll have a subplot where the Autobots and Decepticons were here waaaaay before we started recording stuff.

S 2: Ooo, kinda like aliens being responsible for our technology, that kind of thing?

S 1: *whisper* I think the Scientologists will be happy.

S 3: *irritably* You've got the wrong idea about Scientology.

S 2: Moving on!

S 1: *huffs* Fine. Oh, and I've got another idea - we'll bring in Deep Roy as an Egyptian official.

*pause*

S 3: Whatever for?

S 1: More actors, more reasons for people to watch, right?

S 2: Okay...

S 1: Oh, and I've got one more...Sam will die before the end.

S 2 & 3: What?!

S 1: Wait - wait - here's the twist - he'll meet the Primes before he really goes, right? And they'll make sure that he gets back to life again, cos he's the chosen one, right? So he goes back, but during that time, we'll string the audience along by having Megan scream about how much she loves him -

S 3: Have you been reading Harry Potter?

S 1: What?

S 2: You know, Deathly Hallows.

S 1: I might've. But I don't see what does this have to do with my idea.

S 3: Right. Any more?

S 2: We'll have a robot hump Megan Fox's leg.

S 1: What for?

S 2: I dunno. Just because. It's funny.

S 3: Yeah.

S 1: And we'll have something about balls.

S 2: Balls of steel, that kind of thing?

S 3: Yeah! That's hilarious!

S 1: Heheh. Anything else?

S 3: We'll name the main enemy...The Fallen.

S 2: Erm...lame.

S 1: No, I see his point - we'll name it The Fallen so people will think there'll be this, like, huge army of Decepticons, but it turns out that it's just this guy, you know?

S 2: Okay. And you're point is...?

S 1: Revenge of the Head Honcho doesn't have that snap, innit?

S 2: Gotcha.

S 3: Thank you, gentlemen. Oh, and Bay requested that we mention Obama.

S 1: Kays. I love the guy.

S 3: Although I might like to point out that most of the senior government officials will be...erm...white.

S 1: Nobody's going to think about political correctness when they watch this movie.

S 2: True.

S 3: We have John Turturro, anyways.

S 1: Yep. So it evens out.

S 2: *yawn* I was wondering...how about including another girl besides Megan?

S 3: Decepticon. Yep. A hot girl.

S 1: Who'll be seducing Sam, right?

S 3: Yes.

S 2: Aggressively.

S 1: Awesome.

S 3: *beep* Oops, call waiting. Gotta go.

S 1: Bye.

S 2: See ya.

S 3: *click* Dumbasses. Hey Sam, that good enough for you?

Sam: Yep. I hope Prime's happy.

***

Should've been called Revenge of the Cliches, really. Cos we have:

1. Corny dialogue
2. The Chosen One
3: Fake tragedy - protagonists die, but they are resurrected
4. Hot screaming girl
5. Rocks fall. Everyone dies. The end, innit. (And then Sex Ensues, but of course they don't show you that.)
6. OMG I LOVE YOU PLEASE DON'T GO I WANT TO LIIIIIIIIIVE

Fanfiction is ruining my brain.

And I've run out of ideas of how to blog about the time we spent in MPH laughing over Romance novels. Maybe another day.

~*Here Be the End of the Spoilers to the new Transformers movie*~

Thursday's child

I used to get existential dread at 3 a.m., quite frequently too. Not so since the beginning of this year. (Probably it had something to do with the lessening of my obsession with Plath, but let's not go there.)

But somedays, somedays, just when you thought that you won't lie awake at 3 a.m. thinking about all you have done and whether you'd regret it if you should die tomorrow (or in your sleep), it hits you in the face like a slap. And it hurts, and it stings, but you take it, not because you think you deserve it, but because it has already happened.

Read all about existential crisis and terror management theory. (I am, as always, randomly linking things nobody will read.)

And I shall post a vid here that you wouldn't even bother to click. (It gets me over this kind of days.)



At 18, I shouldn't be this cynical.

Can't be helped.

PS - Found this while trawling random people's LJs (I like doing that). Read it. It's awesome.

In defense of gratis

And so. Placebo released a new album. Am having a hard time listening to it in full, if you know what I mean.

I can understand why musicians are so het up over copyright issues, and illegal downloading taking away their revenue - but the thing is, ARGH, would you pay RM40 for a CD that you have no idea would be worth it or not, seeing as you can only listen to 2 songs before you buy it?

There are a few musicians that I'd buy their CDs no matter what - Muse, KT Tunstall, Jamie Cullum - but what about the rest, that you like only a few songs but don't see the need to spend so much on a CD you'll only hear four times?

Okay, you can talk about individual downloads from iTunes or even Amazon - but what if you're not living in the US or UK? Would you be willing to pay about RM4 for a song that you have no guarantee you'll even like?

There was imeem, right, but most of the albums and songs posted by the official artistes themselves can only be heard for 30 seconds. You can, however, stream the whole album/song in the US. Fine, copyright issues again - but hello, you have an entire Asian market to convince that you are good, and you're not letting us listen to your songs/albums in entirety?

[Marketing - you fail.]

When Radiohead released In Rainbows, I downloaded it, even though I wasn't even a Radiohead fan. I even felt bad for not paying - dearie me - but seeing as I didn't have my own credit card then, and I'm using my parents' money, I can't exactly decide how much to pay for the songs, innit? But I liked the album, and thought their unconventional release of the album was a total awesome promotional move. People get to download for free; the band gets free publicity; they possibly get new fans, especially from kids who can't afford to pay for CDs and who would end up downloading illegally. See the process?

I'm not saying that musicians should allow us to download their albums and pay how much we think it's worth - that'll be suicide for some of them - but I would like them to allow users around the world to stream their albums online. And then decide whether to get the album or not. And if you're worried that freeloaders will just keep streaming and won't buy the CD, then impose a limit. Like Rhapsody does on Facebook.

Also, talking about books - Neil Gaiman rocks. Old news, yes, but the thing is, he did it.

I don't actually make sense, but LJ is giving me a hard time posting, so I had to dump this rant here. Ahahahaha.

Because

Chin Lei is coming back and I'm bored :)



Yes, YOU CAN HAZ CHEEZBURGER.

Is the world really going to end in 2012?

It'll be kinda neat, innit, to tell the future generation: I was there.

Of course, there might not be a future generation, much less you to tell them that You were There.

Scene from a phone call: Part 1

Customer: Herro? Streamyx customer service ah?

Customer service person: Hello, this is Streamyx, how can I helpchu?

C: Eh, how come the connection so slow wan? Google pun kennot load wei, walau!

CS: Er...I'll refer you to the technical department, please hold on...

*fifteen minutes of shitty music and some TM.net ads promoting their awesomely pathetic service*

Tech Guy/Girl/Might be machine for all you know: Herro? How can I helpchu?

C: Oi, Streamyx so slow wan these days. Google oso cannot load! You think this is a joke hah?

T: Er...er...we are currently upgrading our services, do apologise for the inconvenience -

C: Eh you don't give me that crap - you've been upgrading for how many years still cannot work wan!

T: Er...er...our cable undergoing repairs in the Arctic Ocean -

C: Walao, you think I so stupid issit?

T: Sir, if you could just check the blinking lights on your modem -

C: Oh, you mean the blinking lights on the blinking modem? What for?

T: Cos - er - er - if the lights are blinking, means not stable lor, er...

C: Still blinking, always blinking wan. Normal la. No no, cannot, I want a reason for why I CAN'T LOAD GOOGLE!

T: Have you tried using other sites?

C: Yes la, I'm not that dumb dumb what.

T: Open your Internet Explorer again -

C: I used Internet Explorer, I used Firefox, I used Safari, I used Google Chrome - sumua tak jalan. How now?

T: Er...you can try unplugging your modem, and then plug back again.

C: Okay. I tried that three times.

T: Er...do you get any error code when you try to log on?

C: Don't have oso.

T: Er...then ah...maybe it's just the timing...

C: Wah, you telling me that your service memang suck wan issit?

T: No sir, no, you misunderstand me - what I'm saying is that we're going through - er - upgrading services -

C: How come I ask to upgrade to 2 MB connection you buggers say cannot?

T: Cable la, cable, watudu?

C: So really, what you're saying is that TM.net cannot deliver the services that they promote in their adverts?

T: Eh sir, I'm just an employee, how can say anything wan -

C: So, really, you agree with me that Streamyx sucks and that giving a company monopoly over the Internet service in this country was actually a mistake?

T: ...

C: Aiyer, fine la, at least I can sign in to MSN. Bye!

T: ....

*an hour later*

C: Nooooooooooo I need another three days to download Fast and Furious! SIENLAH!

[Disclaimer: Any resemblance to persons living, dead or metaphorical was coincidental and thereby excludes me from any claim to responsibility for this post.]

Sneeze sneeze sneeze

The air here is, like, bad. I keep sneezing. (No, this has nothing to do with swine flu - I'm out of the danger period!) Pergi mamak, end up sneezing, cos of a) passing cars punya exhaust fumes, and b) people smoking nearby. And just general sneeziness at other times.

And don't ask me how many glasses of teh ais I've had - you don't want to know.

Streamyx annoys the hell out of me, ye gawds. Sometimes I can't even load Google.

Currently listening to Lykke Li. Yes, well, cos I'm bored. And am finally listening to radio after how many months, ahahahaha.

Question: How the hell do you encourage the "reading habit" among Malaysians if books are priced so damn high? No, don't talk about warehouse sales - sometimes even then books are too expensive. What about on normal days?

I've run out of things to talk about. =/

Balik kampuungggg

The innocent abroad will be returning home in less than a week! This time next week I should be home. Or - god forbid - counting delays and whatnot, on the way home. Almost. And then the drive from KLIA, and then to the mamak. If not, at night. Yes. OMG I CAN'T WAIT FOR MY TEH TARIK.

Kay kay, you're probably thinking - "But you've been away for less than five months! That's not long!"

Like, herro, that's longer than going for NS. That's longer than what my body can take without teh tarik. Or roti telur. Maggi kari isn't too bad - cooked one in the microwave the other night, huzzah! - but nothing beats cooking it to just the way I like it. Mmm. And eating it with a book in front of me and cursing when the soup splatters all over the page.

[It's probably the Java Chip talking. I should be studying for my finals tomorrow. Criminal - TWO papers on the last day of the semester ever =.="]

And and and and and somebody's coming back for the summerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Listening to She & Him's Why Do You Leave Me Here? on repeat. Love love love Zooey Deschanel. I can almost forgive her for getting engaged to Ben Gibbard.

Right. My plans over summer:

1. Study for exam
2. Get fat
3. Vegetate in front of comp
4. Finish the RoTK DVD - I didn't get round to finishing the extra parts
5. Read
6. Sleep
7. Watch movies. Like Public Enemies (OMGJOHNNYDEPPOMG!!! OMGMEGANFOX - er...)
8. Annoy the sister
9. Annoy certain people
10. Stalk you

And - yum - there'll be Cadbury. No more icky Hershey for me.

I want to squish you with the sheer glorious anticipation of it aaaaaaaaaaaalll - it's the coffee talking, ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaaaaaa

PS - This review had me giggling - should I get it? Or should I not, and spend the money on clothes instead?

To quote Pratchett

[because I shouldn't be here, and I'm out of time, and I really shouldn't be here]

"It is better to light a flamethrower than curse the darkness."

And so.

1. Obtain a flamethrower. In the event that flamethrowers are difficult to obtain, there is always the Molotov cocktail.

Tried looking for it on Youtube, but because I Don’t Want to be Sued™, I decided not to violate any copyright laws and post the link to the vid here. Hmm. One of the suggestions that came up while I was typing in my query (i.e. how to make a Molotov cocktail) was "how to make out". As they say - if there's anything you want to know, There's Always Youtube™.

2. In the event that explosives and similar devices are banned in your area of existence, there is always the Internet.

3. Take out your Derivatives Markets notes/books/anything related to DM.

4. Set fire to the very literal DM thingy with your very (unfortunately so) metaphorical flamethrower. Burn, baby, burn.

Haha, I'm flaming the book. A pun, see? No, that wasn't very clever atcherly. I need to do something more constructive in my downtime, egad.

And this epic comic combines stats with romance.

Time!

I'd rather have more time than money. But it's all down to bad time management, innit. Odd. If you can have a financial, monery sort of manager, why not a time manager?

*squishes plot bunny*

Yeah, but still.