Raindrops are falling on my head

Is this FAIR? Monstrous injustice! We have to resit Add Maths 1! And all because some people didn't have the sense to do the exam honestly. Before you think about doing something stupid, oh misinformed ones, think about the others first. It's not all about you only; that's being selfish, yes?

Oh. I think Regina Spektor is messing up my logic right now. But I don't mind. I love her lyrics.

And here's something...just something on a rainy day.

***

Weightless

'She put her hands through the window. Last night.'

'What? Really? Who heard?'

'Passer-by below. Glass fell on him.'

'So how is she?'

'Hospital. They'll be sending her to a mental institution soon.'

'Dead End?'

'Dead End.'

***

I held my breath, tight, counting to fifty. I exhaled in a whoosh, the smell of rotten garlic curling unpleasantly into my nostrils.

What did they put in hospital food anyway?

Rattle rattle. A nurse came into the ward with a trolley. She eyed me sullenly and stopped by my bed.

'Here.' She handed me a cup of soup.

'Plastic,' I said as I held the warm cup in my hands. 'You're not supposed to use plastic for hot liquids. It causes cancer.'

The nurse smirked. 'I'm not supposed to give you anything breakable.'

I smiled at her, sweetly, and flung the cup on to the next bed. The soup splattered on the floor, on the white sheets, on the nurse's uniform.

She took the cup from the empty bed. 'You wait,' she said, bored. Then she moved on to the next patient.

So what now? I slouched, pulling out the strands of my hair one by one.

One by one.

***

'You're going to Dead End next week,' Mum said, smiling.

'How nice.' My voice was bright with anticipation. 'How nice of you.'

Mum's face crumpled slowly like old brown paper. 'What's wrong with you?'

'I'm bored.' I stared at my cut hands, the smudged window, the stark white walls.

'What do you want me to do?'

Gods, can she just shut up already?

'Get out.' I glared, but Mum didn't move.

'Get out!'

She sighed, got up and left.

***

'I want to die, because you lie,' I sang tonelessly.

An elderly occupant in the ward glared at me, but I ignored her. I raised my voice, the sound going shrill. 'And some people can't leave me alone, just like you, old crone - '

'Hush, dear.' A young lady called from the other end.

'Slut in the mud, you're a fart in the rut - '

'Shut up!' A middle-aged woman yelled.

'Fatso, whacko, cracko, ain't nobody loves you, oh,' I bawled.

'That's enough.' A visitor interrupted.

'I can't hear you, you effhole, you - '

'Enough.' The doctor entered, silencing me. I gurgled with delight.

It was Dr Henry Allen. He was so good-looking, a tall man of about thirty with dark hair and beautiful dark eyes. I smiled up at him, angelic.

'How are you today, Anne?' he asked in his beautiful smooth voice. The voice of an angel.

'I'm fine,' I giggled. 'How are you?'

'Erm - ah - pretty fine. I'm - well, you're leaving for Dead End. Soon. In half an hour.'

There was a breathy pause in the ward. Then the others started to clap, the noise rising to a thunderous applause. Applause! Applause! The mad girl's leaving! Dead End! Such joy! What a relief!

I got out of bed and stood unsteadily before Dr Allen. He looked at me and patted my shoulder gently. 'It'll be fine.'

I held out my hands. I had picked at the scabs and dried skin over the days; it was much worse now. 'Look at these,' I whispered. 'Do you think what you're doing is right?'

He grinned uneasily. 'Your family wanted it.'

'Is it my mother?'

'No, both your parents.'

I sat down at his feet and stared at the dirt on the floor. He bent down to look at me.

'Is there anything you want to talk about?'

I held one end of his stethoscope in my limp fingers. 'No.'

'Dr Allen!' A nurse hurried into the ward, out of breath. 'Emergency! Tenth floor!'

Henry patted my head and left hastily.

'Well, you deserved it,' the young lady said smugly. 'Dead End's the only place for you.'

I raised myself slowly and stepped over to her. Poor girl, I thought as I stared into her face. She looked away, unnerved. Tell me again who had a botched abortion?

'Leave me alone,' she said to the window nearby.

I slapped her. It was such a beautiful slap, hard and fast. She clutched her cheek angrily, but she said nothing.

I went to the window and pushed it open. Cold wind whistled into the ward. I heard the old woman complain softly, but the rest were silent. They were watching. They were watching me.

I dragged a chair to the window and climbed onto it. Weightless, I whispered, I'm floating weightless to the ground. The cold touched my body through the thin white gown. Weightless in cold.

'What the hell are you doing?' the young lady asked. I heard fear in her voice.

I stepped on to the ledge. The space was so big, so inviting. The sky stretched above, concrete-coloured. Tears from concrete.

I stood on the ledge, holding on to the panes. Grey buildings stretched before me, the grey world below, the grey sky above.

Weightless, I whispered.

Then I let go.

***

If it's bad, please feel free to berate it, criticize, anything.

I'm not having suicidal tendencies, no, but for some reason I keep writing about depressing stuff like this. Oh man.

I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost, in the sounds.

~ Fidelity, Regina Spektor