In defense of Edward Cullen

I feel like a traitor tonight. At, oh say, past 2 a.m. Whoo. Bear with me!

Right, getting down to SRS BSNS.

1. The stalking

Look, he's a 109-year-old guy stuck in a 17-year-old's body. Raging hormones, unsatisfied desires, the wonders of intimacy. So what's a guy to do at 3 a.m. when he's bored and never needs to sleep? Go find the Girl of His Dreams and watch her sleep, o cos. And hope that she moans says his name in his sleep. So off he merrily goes - bringing that can of WD-40 to oil the hinges of her window so it doesn't creak, remember - and he sits in the chair in her room and watches her all night.

I know, creepy. So very creepy. Still, he gets his curiosity satisfied, plus he gets to see her cute little pyjamas. *waggles eyebrows* Don't be a prude, I know some of you guys want to know this about girls too.

Oh and the following Bella round town thing? It's like Foursquare. That app freaks me out. Imagine the stalkers tracing your movement around town. Like Edward.

It's just like Facebook stalking. But more personal.

You can't blame Edward for being dedicated.

2. The emo-ing

Give him a break, okay? He's, like, 17. Think back to when you were 17. Nobody understood you *omg!!1!yes!11!1!* and the World Just Did Not Care. (News, kids, it still does not care. Sorry for making you more emo.) Drama was all in order - as it is, even past 20, who knew? - and what was Edward to do but to react to the terrible heaviness of being than to emo about the general suckiness of life?

And as an added bonus, he channels all this emo into his piano-playing and weepy songs. Yeah right. Like you wouldn't like it if somebody wrote a song just for you.

3. The over-protectiveness

To paraphrase Adora Belle Dearheart, men need a manual to understand things. It's a pity that women do not come with them. And I, by reason of being a female, will attest to this fact. I can sympathize with men. What?

Anyway - ickle Eddiekins, despite being 109, has never had a long-term relationship. Suddenly this Beautiful Little Snowflake comes and lights up his life and graces his dull dull existence with her wondrous existence, and he is determined at all costs to protect her. I mean, he knows she's not going to be around for long, being mortal, so he wants to make sure she doesn't kill herself adorably by tripping off a cliff or something.

4. Bella Swan

This is where it all falls apart. He could have been less of a wet character if he had just given Bella what she needed, i.e. a slap for being stupid, than to give her what she wanted. I mean, if he had just told her, firmly and gently, oh so gently, "Get into my sparkly Volvo, bitch, we're going to Yale", maybe it could have turned out better. And do imagine this conversation:

Edward: I'm not marrying you till after you graduate from college.

Bella: What the hell?! Why? OMG UR SO MEAN!!1!!1!1!

E: Because I want to do what's good for you. And that means giving yourself the gift of education. Plus I'm paying for it, so you don't have to worry about the college fund.

B: BUT YOU'LL SPARKLE IN SUNLIGHT!

E: I'll dress like one of those hipsters you see these days. You know, skinny jeans, long-sleeved plaid shirts, perky hats. It'll work. I'll bring my guitar along if it makes you happy.

B: BUT I DON'T WANNA!!1!1!!

E: We're going, okay?

B: BUT BUT BUT - KISS ME!

E: No kisses until you get a 3.5 GPA! Nyahahhahaha!!!

B: WTF?

Well, it could've been awesome.

No, but honestly, Bella Swan?

Well you like who you like, I spose. Like Matt Bellamy and Kate Hudson.

*erases memory*

5. Repeating high school

This. This. High school was fun because of the people, not the teachers. Or the subjects. Who the hell repeats high school for fun? 0.O

I'll tell you why: Edward fell in love with this girl a long, long time ago, and then they both graduated. So he left, and went to Yale or Brown or whatever, and continued searching the world for her. But he kept coming back to high school, hoping to find someone who would look like her. Maybe he might even meet her descendants, who knew right? And then Bella Swan trips into the picture, and badabing-badaboom, she resembles the girl so much it hurts, and voila, 4 books of angst and the Truest Love Story Evah.

We will never know.

Until Meyer writes another novella, of course.

6. His lack of emotion beyond chagrin

Edward's just being cool, okay? That means not squealing, not emoting, not reacting, just...chill. Look, he's got the jacket and the car and the spiffy sunglasses and everything, and now he's walking the walk. He's being cool. Look at him lounging there, oh yeah. Or maybe not. I'm blinded by the sparkles.

7. His cheesiness

It might be cheesy to you, oh cynical one, but it isn't to many people. Her blood sings for me was romantic, okay? James Blunt's You're Beautiful was romantic, okay? You are my whole life was romantic, okay? Go Google for lyrics like those. Go on, I dare you.

8. His melodrama

This is Edward Cullen. He's the youngest of the Cullen clan, and he lost his real mother at 17. He's been babied all his li - existence, and he hasn't had anyone special for all his time on Earth. Now he meets someone who will give him her absolute attention, and then he thinks he shouldn't have her. Because he's not good enough. He can't give her babies, and a normal life. So he breaks up. But he can't forget her, oh no he can't. And then he finds out that she killed herself. The guilt! The guilt! And he can't throw himself off a bridge or into a river because he's bloody indestructible, right? You can't blame him for finding the best possible way of annihilating himself: walking into sunlight at noon to sparkle. In fact, it's cool. And then the Volturi would get pissed off, and destroy him. Maximum drama, maximum bang. More bang for your buck, hur hur. And this was how he wanted his world to end - not with a blip but a big sparkly messy death. He'll go down in history for being the only vampire to be killed for the crime of sparkling.

You can't deny the bastard's got style.

Time to pack up. 8's a good number. Very ong ah!

Last quote, from Pratchett's Unseen Academicals, so avert thine eyes if you don't want spoilers:

[Lord Vetinari] ...And that's when I first learned about evil. It is built in to the very nature of the universe. Every world spins in pain. If there is any kind of supreme being, I told myself, it is up to all of us to become his moral superior.

I read it and had to put down the book. Hit me, the thought about PTerry's disease and his argument for euthanasia. There were, naturally, people who totally disagreed with it, and told him that he would be going to hell for choosing to die that way.

He doesn't need to die to go to hell for that, people. Losing all his memory would be hell for him.

But yes, Buddhism doesn't condone suicide either. It's karma; it's inevitable, and as much as I really don't want to see the elderly suffering, sometimes I wonder if it would be better to go through with the suffering now than later.

Don't blame Edward Cullen for acting unreasonably at times. It must've been really lonely to see people come and go, dying after a brief time. (Do read about Susan Sto-Helit; it's much more interesting from her point of view.) And fear - fear of losing - makes people do stupid things at times. Not losing in terms of competition, I mean losing as in having people and things leave. Things go. People definitely do.

Sobering thoughts at past 3 a.m., ain't it.

Gods know I'm sympathetic towards Edward Cullen now. It changes things, doesn't it, when you look at it from a different perspective.