And then there was light

In Pratchett's Discworld, there are gods. And then there are oh gods. They're the gods you usually call upon when the shitteth hitteth the fanneth. Like the oh god of hangovers.

Anyway, was reading my older posts. Good god, I actually used to blog because I felt like it. Like, had good fun blogging. Lame jokes and inventions galore. I spose my best days are behind me...no I'm only 20; I have my whole life before me; bla bla bla.

That aside, here's a conversation between this kid and the oh god of employment -

Oh God of Employment (OGE): Okay, kid, you're graduating in 2 months' time. Any ideas?

Kid: I have to apply for jobs right?

OGE: Well obviously - you think a god grants you jobs or something? Jobs don't grow on trees!

Kid: Unless you work in the paper or deforestation industry.

OGE: The point is, you need to get off your comfortable arse and start applying for jobs. Nobody is going to hire you if they don't know you.

Kid: Fair's do. Righto. I've got my resume here, my limited and questionable experience of career fairs, my extremely limited knowledge of interviews...how do I start?

OGE: Contacts. Have you been networking, my child?

Kid: Er...no.

OGE: Then you haven't been a good follower of the Ten Commandments of Employment?

Kid: What are they then?

OGE: Ehm...lemme see...I have the tablets here somewhere...okay, maybe not. I swear my assistant needs to get me a Blackberry one of these days - okay, the first one is this: Thou Shalt Prepare Thy Resume.

Kid: Sure. What's the next commandment?

OGE: Those tablets are seriously heavy to carry around, okay? I'm just the god, not a believer! You can't expect me to remember all the rules I made up when I first existed!

Kid: Fine. All right, what do I do next? What do you think?

OGE: What's your dream job?

Kid: *sigh* Look. Let's be realistic, okay? In this current economic condition, getting a job would be double rainbows and unicorns shitting chocolate malt balls. Don't talk to me about my dream job. I just want a job. Give me a job and I will make it my dream job. Comprendre vous?

OGE: But then you would have no ambition!

Kid: I have ambition. I have determination. I have persistence and courage and Excel skills like you wouldn't believe. But I have perspective. I have a dream job in mind, but if getting one that isn't so good right now is going to get me from Point A to Point B, then so be it. Let's be realistic.

OGE: Kids these days...

Kid: What did you want to be when you were a kid?

OGE: Just do godding, I spose. Not much prospect in the job department when you're incarnated as a god. Now I'm the oh god - same functions, more headaches.

Kid: It's a tough world out there, isn't it?

OGE: Can't say, kid - but chin up, start doing something about it, and it'll be all right.

Kid: You're just telling me that because it's what I expect you to say.

OGE: Fine - let me rephrase: You're never going anywhere with this attitude; you're going to end up in a dead end job you'll hate every day of your working life, and you'll die unsatisfied that you never did anything worthwhile in your life, jobwise and in other wises as well.

Kid: Truer words have never been spoken. But I see your point.

OGE: Cos you do. I'm holding my sword in front of you. It got so sharp like you wouldn't believe when Wall Street had that panic.

Kid: This is depressing, isn't it?

OGE: *shrug* Kid, I'm not here to debate the nature of my existence. You guys made me up.

Kid: There's no point in blaming anyone for whatever happened, really.

OGE: Hah, but it's just you people being people, wanting to find a scapegoat. See, I get blamed just for existing. I mean - me? What do I do? I exist because people believed in me! From the time man needed to work for things they needed to survive, I was there! First it was all cows and food and a place to sleep - now it's bonuses and pension plans and healthcare and people complaining about their dreams getting crushed. I don't deal with dreams, kid. There's another god for that.

Kid: So it's up to me, is it?

OGE: It's always up to you, kid. You can pray and believe and ask for help, but it's all down to you.

Kid: But what if everything works against me?

OGE: Look, can I tell you what will happen? I can't. Nobody can. I thank myself for that. Now what I want you to do, first things first, is this....

Kid: ...yes?

OGE: Holddit, my halo's not turning on - there you go. Oops, sorry, wrong wattage. Damn that assistant to China. Anyways - the first thing you have to do is this: Thou Shalt Have the Right Attitude.

Kid: Just that?

OGE: Believe me, that's the best advice I can give right now. And I hold no responsibility for any actions that may arise on your part from my advice, bla bla bla, if you have any further questions, please shoot me an e-mail, I'm sure Jobs would get my iPhone to me in time before the Thanksgiving sales.

Kid: Right. What's your e-mail address?

OGE: Hmm? E-mail? Pfft. If you need me, just pray.

Kid: Like you can do anything to help me.

OGE: Well it'll help you keep up the positive attitude, right?

Kid: ...