Delicate

I've been asking myself, over the past few days, whether I should continue writing about my personal matters. I have written about my uncertainty of the future, my limerence for a certain someone...and many other subjects besides.

But now, now I question and doubt whether I should continue doing so. I'm displaying my heart and head for all to see...almost like that line from Plath's Lady Lazarus: "Them unwrap me hand and foot/ The big strip tease. Gentlemen, ladies". Reading Plath on a bad day...my life is spiralling into the inky - but strangely comforting - darkness of a black hole.

But one doubt persists in my cluttered, confused mind: That niggling and frustrating question about how a friendship can still survive when I feel that it's already dead. How can things be the same between me and that person when I keep feeling down - and so foolish for thinking that we're still friends?

How will I know when to let go, turn my back on that particular person, say a final goodbye and never look back again?

How will I know that I'm doing the right thing? How will I know that I'm not just the only one who doubts this friendship?

I have doubted this friendship from the time it began. I have doubted that one friend since I got to know that person.

I'm not naming names - no - but you who are reading this will know. You will guess; you will suspect; you will possibly disagree with what I have said and what I am going to say.

You made my life hell. I'm not going to deny that I have been frustrated and angry with what you have said, many times over, but it's also true that for almost every time you hurt me, I forgave you.

I kept telling myself that you didn't mean it; I tried to convince myself that you had said it unintentionally - but then it hit me, hard: You just didn't think. You did not consider your words before you said them - you did not think about the effect your actions would have on me.

You thought I was as happy and unconcerned as you were.

You have helped me and given me lots of invaluable support - but I was the one who went to you for help, for comfort. I began this friendship; I wanted to, but now I question why I ever did so.

I guess it's my fault really. I asked for it, and when I had got what I wanted, I asked for more. And you - you, being human and flawed like I am, couldn't give me what I wanted.

You might think: Why don't you both just talk about it?

I'm still wondering why too.


Volcano

don't hold yourself like that you'll hurt your knees
i kissed your mouth & back that's all i need
don't build your world around volcanoes melt you down
what i am to you is not real
what i am to you you do not need
what i am to you is not what you mean to me
you give me miles and miles of mountains
and i’ll ask for the sea

don't throw yourself like that in front of me
i kissed your mouth your back is that all you need?
don't drag my love around volcanoes melt me down
what i am to you is not real
what i am to you you do not need
what i am to you is not what you mean to me
you give me miles and miles of mountains
and i’ll ask for the sea

what i give to you is just what i’m going through
this is nothing new no no just another phase of finding
what i really need is what makes me bleed
and like a new disease she’s still too young to treat
volcanoes melt me down
she’s still too young
i kissed your mouth

you do not need me

~Damien Rice~