Mercurial Ambiguity

Has it been a bad day?

The answer, sadly enough, is a huge yes. But I won't say more; I'm trying to forget today.

My hypothesis has been proven true: We are all becoming more emotional as the clock ticks, slowly, inevitably, to D-Day, that is, SPM. Now we start questioning ourselves and goals, our very existence...

I hope it's not too presumptous of me to say so, but I've been experiencing this angst - and perhaps rebellion - since last year. I wasn't quite happy in Form 4, though I tried to make the best of things, and my friends were a great support.

But now - why now? - fellow bloggers are writing about similar experiences too, and it's strangely comforting to know that I'm not the only one who questions and doubts so much. (I thought I was an insufferable whiner before this year.) I questioned a lot of things - religion, my objectives, my relationships with people, even my own actions and emotions. It wasn't a comfortable period; it was unsettling, unsteady, constantly changing. I was quite judgmental before, but last year, I tried to make an effort to look deeper beneath the surface.

This phase did not begin overnight. It started unconsciously in Form 3 and slowly built up to the surface last year, and this year - well, I'm more open about myself this year. I used to think that my life wasn't worth listening to...I think I had low self-esteem.

I'm still trying, every day, to become a better person, one who isn't afraid of change and challenges and judgments people make. I used to fear what people might think of me if I acted beyond the limits of normal accepted teenage behaviour. But this year, my actions are not exactly that normal - at least that was what I thought - and I used Muse as an excuse.

I was obsessed with Muse because - well, because - it was the one constant aspect of my life. Their music was always there for me, in this strange period of change and self-doubt, and I held on to it because it was static, never-changing. My friends were changing, my views were changing, my emotions were going to extremes and I was afraid of the vague future.

I was fearful of the unknown. I'm not ashamed to admit it.

But now - I have realised, it's all right for me to be myself, to show my emotions, to actually tell my friends that I need their help and support. I don't have to be perfect, and though I can't meet expectations all the time, I strive to be the best I can be.

I am not flawlessly beautiful, rather, I am beautifully flawed. Is that comforting or what?

It would be nice, if I could take some time off now, just to rest awhile before SPM comes. I've been too emotionally unsteady of late.

Emotions might be temporary and fleeting, but boy do they mess you up when they overwhelm you.

You might not understand me; you might hurt me unintentionally, but so long that I have the ability to love and forgive, there's always tomorrow. There's always the future to look forward to, for all it's so uncertain.

I have to learn to let go. Even you - you who have become such an important person in my life and who have given me so much support and help - you will leave too, one day. I am grateful for what you have given me, and I am glad - I am - that I told you what I have felt for the past two years...what I have felt for you.

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity". ~ Gilda Radner, 1946-1989