The further adventures of Vampire Extraordinaire and his nommy wench
First things first - I'm not out to prove anything. Really. It's just that reading Meyer's books has this morbid fascination with me right now.
They're so bad, they're good.
So. To business. New Moon - the 2nd installment of the tragic, epic tale of Edwardeo and Jubella.
Synopsis:
Bella: It's my 18th birthday. Oh dear, I'm old. And I'm bitchy enough to bitch when people try to be nice to me and wish me a Happy Birthday.
(Lots of inconsequential yakking. Bella whines. Edward intenses.) And then...
Edward: GO AWAY BELLA! I MUST LEAVE! FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!
Bella: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
*Cullens leave*
*Bella emos for FOUR months*
(Okay, I wouldn't know how long break-ups should last...never having been through one. But rejection I know. It's not pleasant, it takes some time - but, woman, FOUR FREAKING MONTHS?!
Right...she had depression. But I mean - this is a guy you've only met for a few months, right? Right?)
Jacob: Hi! (Btw, I'm one of the few likeable characters in this series. And one of them who can haz logik!) Wanna hang out, Bella?
Bella: Oh well...I guess so...I came to meet you to forget Edward...my life is a dump *whinewhinewhine*
A lot of stuff happens here between Jacob and Bella. Bella fails to die over and over again that it gets irritating. Jacob is made of win. Lynn is now a confirmed Jacob fangirl. Now back to the spork.
Bella: Wheeeeeeee, I'm jumping off a cliff!
Alice: OMG I'M GETTING THIS SIGHT - BELLAAAA!
Edward: My life is not worth living! I should have nommed the wench when earlier! Nooooooooo! I GO KEEL MYSELF NOW!
So, Edwardeo decides to kill himself, somehow through the Volturi, vampire royalty in Italy. A few things happen, which I can't remember now, because my brain died by then.
So. Soooo. Happily ever after. Kinda.
Except that Bella totally betrayed Jacob. And what she did to her father would amount to her being disowned if she had done that in real life.
Reasons why Jacob is too nice for Bella
1. He's too sane. He talks like a normal person.
2. He's an easy-going guy to be with.
3. Loyal kid - and then Bella betrays him. And then she has the nerve to ask him: "Can we still be friends?"
4. He actually sees her dad as a real person. Unlike some daughter.
Ah well. Brain not working.
Some bits that were funneh -
"I thought we picked the zombie movie," I hissed to Jessica.
"This is the zombie movie."
"Then why isn't anyone getting eaten?" I asked desperately.
I agreed with Bella. Why are you STILL ALIVE?!
"I'm no good for you, Bella." [says Emo Eddie]
"Don't be ridiculous." I wanted to sound angry, but it just sounded like I was begging. "You're the very best part of my life."
I mean...whut.
"You… don't… want me?" I tried out the words, confused by the way they sounded, placed in that order.
Awww, Bella got rejected. *whinewhine* That's life, darling.
As we skulked back to the makeshift garage, I contemplated my luck. Only a teenage boy would agree to this: deceiving both our parents while repairing dangerous vehicles using money meant for my college education. He didn't see anything wrong with that picture. Jacob was a gift from the gods.
He was indeed. The only thing that made the book bearable, until Alice Cullen shows up, of course.
"What?" I muttered sourly.
"You like me, right?" [Jacob]
"You know I do."
"Better than that joker puking his guts out in there?" He gestured toward the bathroom door.
"Yes," I sighed.
Of course, she dropped Jacob the minute Eddie came home. And the fact that Jacob's been a really good friend? BELLA DOESN'T CARE.
"It's just that, I know how you're unhappy a lot. And, maybe it doesn't help anything, but I wanted you to know that I'm always here. I won't ever let you down—I promise that you can always count on me. Wow, that does sound corny. But you know that, right? That I would never, ever hurt you?"
Jacob was nice enought to say that. He kept his promise. Oh I SO want to bitchslap Bella now.
"Beg," my hallucination begged.
"Please," I gasped.
Bella's hallucination was Edward's "velvet voice" speaking to her in her head. Yeah.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "This is so frustrating."
Huh. Is this Meyer's way of apologizing for the failness of the plot - or lack thereof - by giving Jacob good lines?
Because it had been more than just losing the truest of true loves, as if that were not enough to kill anyone. It was also losing a whole future, a whole family—the whole life that I'd chosen…
OMG BELLA I CRY FOR YOU BECAUSE I STILL DON'T CARE.
"I'm not going to let anything happen to Charlie." Jacob's low voice was gruff and angry. "Screw the treaty."
Finally! Somebody cares about Charlie, a father who's trying to protect his pigheaded daughter from danger!
"Actually, Bella…" She hesitated, and then seemed to make a choice. "Honestly, I think it's all gotten beyond ridiculous. I'm debating whether to just change you myself."
Alice Cullen is made of ABSOLUTE WIN. Not only can she see the future, she can read our minds! Whoooooooo!
But she doesn't. *sigh*
Edward's plan for suicide:
"He's going to keep it simple. He's just going to walk out into the sun."
She shook her head. "Right now, he's leaning toward the melodramatic. He wants the biggest audience possible, so he'll choose the main plaza, under the clock tower. The walls are high there. He'll wait till the sun is exactly overhead."
Oh the drama. The suspense. The angst. The pain. The apathy I feel for you.
Edward turned to her and explained again in a swift, low voice. "Marcus sees relationships. He's surprised by the intensity of ours."
*GAG*
I felt Edward shrug around me. "They have a name for someone who smells the way Bella does to me. They call her my singer—because her blood sings for me."
I didn't read the last few chapters. The book headed past EPIC FAIL territory after Edward turned up.
Okay - this had no plot. At all. Werewolves aside, this had no point. At all. Jacob was the only reason I kept reading.
For good sporking, go here.
This cold better clear up soon. Fast. Immediately.
They're so bad, they're good.
So. To business. New Moon - the 2nd installment of the tragic, epic tale of Edwardeo and Jubella.
Synopsis:
Bella: It's my 18th birthday. Oh dear, I'm old. And I'm bitchy enough to bitch when people try to be nice to me and wish me a Happy Birthday.
(Lots of inconsequential yakking. Bella whines. Edward intenses.) And then...
Edward: GO AWAY BELLA! I MUST LEAVE! FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!
Bella: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
*Cullens leave*
*Bella emos for FOUR months*
(Okay, I wouldn't know how long break-ups should last...never having been through one. But rejection I know. It's not pleasant, it takes some time - but, woman, FOUR FREAKING MONTHS?!
Right...she had depression. But I mean - this is a guy you've only met for a few months, right? Right?)
Jacob: Hi! (Btw, I'm one of the few likeable characters in this series. And one of them who can haz logik!) Wanna hang out, Bella?
Bella: Oh well...I guess so...I came to meet you to forget Edward...my life is a dump *whinewhinewhine*
A lot of stuff happens here between Jacob and Bella. Bella fails to die over and over again that it gets irritating. Jacob is made of win. Lynn is now a confirmed Jacob fangirl. Now back to the spork.
Bella: Wheeeeeeee, I'm jumping off a cliff!
Alice: OMG I'M GETTING THIS SIGHT - BELLAAAA!
Edward: My life is not worth living! I should have nommed the wench when earlier! Nooooooooo! I GO KEEL MYSELF NOW!
So, Edwardeo decides to kill himself, somehow through the Volturi, vampire royalty in Italy. A few things happen, which I can't remember now, because my brain died by then.
So. Soooo. Happily ever after. Kinda.
Except that Bella totally betrayed Jacob. And what she did to her father would amount to her being disowned if she had done that in real life.
Reasons why Jacob is too nice for Bella
1. He's too sane. He talks like a normal person.
2. He's an easy-going guy to be with.
3. Loyal kid - and then Bella betrays him. And then she has the nerve to ask him: "Can we still be friends?"
4. He actually sees her dad as a real person. Unlike some daughter.
Ah well. Brain not working.
Some bits that were funneh -
"I thought we picked the zombie movie," I hissed to Jessica.
"This is the zombie movie."
"Then why isn't anyone getting eaten?" I asked desperately.
I agreed with Bella. Why are you STILL ALIVE?!
"I'm no good for you, Bella." [says Emo Eddie]
"Don't be ridiculous." I wanted to sound angry, but it just sounded like I was begging. "You're the very best part of my life."
I mean...whut.
"You… don't… want me?" I tried out the words, confused by the way they sounded, placed in that order.
Awww, Bella got rejected. *whinewhine* That's life, darling.
As we skulked back to the makeshift garage, I contemplated my luck. Only a teenage boy would agree to this: deceiving both our parents while repairing dangerous vehicles using money meant for my college education. He didn't see anything wrong with that picture. Jacob was a gift from the gods.
He was indeed. The only thing that made the book bearable, until Alice Cullen shows up, of course.
"What?" I muttered sourly.
"You like me, right?" [Jacob]
"You know I do."
"Better than that joker puking his guts out in there?" He gestured toward the bathroom door.
"Yes," I sighed.
Of course, she dropped Jacob the minute Eddie came home. And the fact that Jacob's been a really good friend? BELLA DOESN'T CARE.
"It's just that, I know how you're unhappy a lot. And, maybe it doesn't help anything, but I wanted you to know that I'm always here. I won't ever let you down—I promise that you can always count on me. Wow, that does sound corny. But you know that, right? That I would never, ever hurt you?"
Jacob was nice enought to say that. He kept his promise. Oh I SO want to bitchslap Bella now.
"Beg," my hallucination begged.
"Please," I gasped.
Bella's hallucination was Edward's "velvet voice" speaking to her in her head. Yeah.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "This is so frustrating."
Huh. Is this Meyer's way of apologizing for the failness of the plot - or lack thereof - by giving Jacob good lines?
Because it had been more than just losing the truest of true loves, as if that were not enough to kill anyone. It was also losing a whole future, a whole family—the whole life that I'd chosen…
OMG BELLA I CRY FOR YOU BECAUSE I STILL DON'T CARE.
"I'm not going to let anything happen to Charlie." Jacob's low voice was gruff and angry. "Screw the treaty."
Finally! Somebody cares about Charlie, a father who's trying to protect his pigheaded daughter from danger!
"Actually, Bella…" She hesitated, and then seemed to make a choice. "Honestly, I think it's all gotten beyond ridiculous. I'm debating whether to just change you myself."
Alice Cullen is made of ABSOLUTE WIN. Not only can she see the future, she can read our minds! Whoooooooo!
But she doesn't. *sigh*
Edward's plan for suicide:
"He's going to keep it simple. He's just going to walk out into the sun."
She shook her head. "Right now, he's leaning toward the melodramatic. He wants the biggest audience possible, so he'll choose the main plaza, under the clock tower. The walls are high there. He'll wait till the sun is exactly overhead."
Oh the drama. The suspense. The angst. The pain. The apathy I feel for you.
Edward turned to her and explained again in a swift, low voice. "Marcus sees relationships. He's surprised by the intensity of ours."
*GAG*
I felt Edward shrug around me. "They have a name for someone who smells the way Bella does to me. They call her my singer—because her blood sings for me."
I didn't read the last few chapters. The book headed past EPIC FAIL territory after Edward turned up.
Okay - this had no plot. At all. Werewolves aside, this had no point. At all. Jacob was the only reason I kept reading.
For good sporking, go here.
This cold better clear up soon. Fast. Immediately.
posted by Lynn at
8:09 pm
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