Edward Cullen is a LOLcat

This cold is seriously interfering with my brain. I mean, seriously.

So. I read Stephanie Meyer's Twilight today. The entire book in about 4 hours.

Curiosity, darling. If I'm going to blast the book(s), I'm going to do it based on fair judgement.

So, anyways.

The verdict?

I hate Edward Cullen even more. And I wanted to bitchslap Bella Swan about 4 chapters in. Good grief.

Oh, the writing. Meyer does things with adjectives that made me laugh. Erm. This was the best bit of the book, I think -

I'd been to the beaches around La Push many times during my Forks summers with Charlie, so the mile-long crescent of First Beach was familiar to me. It was still breathtaking. The water was dark gray, even in the sunlight, white-capped and heaving to the gray, rocky shore. Islands rose out of the steel harbor waters with sheer cliff sides, reaching to uneven summits, and crowned with austere, soaring firs. The beach had only a thin border of actual sand at the water's edge, after which it grew into millions of large, smooth stones that looked uniformly gray from a distance, but close up were every shade a stone could be: terra-cotta, sea green, lavender, blue gray, dull gold. The tide line was strewn with huge driftwood trees, bleached bone white in the salt waves, some piled together against the edge of the forest fringe, some lying solitary, just out of reach of the waves.

There was a brisk wind coming off the waves, cool and briny. Pelicans floated on the swells while seagulls and a lone eagle wheeled above them. The clouds still circled the sky, threatening to invade at any moment, but for now the sun shone bravely in its halo of blue sky.

What does it say when you find that an author writes best when no characters or dialogue are involved? When she's describing the scenery?

I got interested in Meyer's secondary characters. I mean, really.

Carlisle reminds me of Gilbert Blythe. *sheepish*

Alice is cool. Yes.

Jasper's a walking Mood Machine. When you tell him, "Jasper, make me happy", he can do it for you. Literally.

Emmett seems nice.

Jacob might be potentially fangirl material.

Bella is whiny. Immature. Too impulsive. And silly. End of story.

And she keeps not dying.

Death Scene #1: Biology class, first day

Edward: OMG BELLA SMELLS SO NICE, OM NOM NOM - NOOOOO, I KENNOT!

Bella: Why is this HAWT guy avoiding me? Am I stinky? *sniffs hair* No, not really. The rest of the guys in school think I'm hot though. I wonder why. (Me too.)

Edward: I can kill this guy here, pounce on that girl there, whack the Bio teacher like this - but no, I kennot. I am noble. I am wonderful. I kennot keel. MUST. RESIST. IRRESISTIBLE. FLORAL-BLOODED. WENCH. Oh, and must resist killing everyone else in the process.

Death: INTERESTING. *shakes Bella's life-timer* I THINK SUSAN NEEDS TO SEE THIS.

Death Scene #2: Car accident

Edward: *leaps into action* Bella - don't dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Tyler's van: I'm going to KEEL YOU NOW, Bella! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. *Twihaters cheer*

Bella: I can't die! Noooooooo! I'm too young! I'm too pretty! I'm too ordinary to die like this!

Edward: No, my love, you won't. *blocks Tyler's van* Are you all right? *lifts van*

Bella: Oh hey, you just lifted a van! You saved my life! But no matter, I'm going to whine because you won't tell me how you did it!

Susan: Really.

Death: I TOLD YOU THIS WAS INTERESTING.

Death of Rats: SQUEAK!

Death Scene #3: In the clearing

Edward in the sunlight was shocking. I couldn't get used to it, though I'd been staring at him all afternoon. His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.

*A little bit of my brain died here.*

Susan: *whips out school-teacherish red pen* Hmm. *circles several words* Marks for trying though.

Edward: OM NOM NOM BELLA. YUM. *kissy kissy*

Bella: The scent. The perfection. The gloriousness. The smolderingness. Edward. I burn, I pine, I perish. Oh yes. OH YES. OM NOM NOM -

Edward: *pulls back* Bella.

Bella: I'm sorry! Was I too good in kissing? My first kiss, you know.

Edward: Yeah. *MUST. NOT. NOM. FRAGRANT-SMELLING. WENCH* Yeah, it's my first too! Aren't we just perfect for each other?! *OMG! Finally! 90 years have I waited!*

Susan: *rolls eyes*

Death Scene #4: Ballet studio (I know - give marks to Meyer for this creativity, kay? Bella was supposed to go out in style, with shattering glass and the like.)

Bella: I am noble. I must sacrifice myself. Edward must understand. I love you, Edward. I love you. But I must die.

Random vampire who turned up towards the end: OH HAI, BELLA. So you're here, like I told you to. *Dang, I got a stupid one. Where got fun man.*

Bella: Kill me. *cries*

Random vamp: *whacks Bella* (somewhere out there, Twihaters cheer)

Edward: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWRRRRRR! GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY WOMAN!

Random vamp: He's here! And the rest of the family! Oh shi -

The other Cullens: *glomphs random vamp*

Edward: NOOOOOOO BELLA! DON'T DIE! PLEAZ! I'M NOT DONE EMO-ING!

Bella: The vampire bit me!

Edward: I'll suck the venom out for you! *suck* MUST. RESIST. AMBROSIAL. BLOOD. WENCH. NEED. TO. LIVE.

Bella: Oh Edward, you saved my life!

Edward: I love you. *Any more where that came from, honey?* Of course I would risk your life for you. (I know, it doesn't make sense to me either.)

Susan: *snorts*

Death of Rats: SQUEAK.

[By the way, Death and the Death of Rats do speak in capital letters LIKE THIS. I just find it amusing that Bella doesn't die so many times over.]

Oh, and the stalker thing. Edward creeps into Bella's room every night to watch her sleep. And Bella has absolutely no issues with that. Now who's weird?

"I followed you to Port Angeles," he admitted, speaking in a rush. "I've never tried to keep a specific person alive before, and it's much more troublesome than I would have believed. But that's probably just because it's you. Ordinary people seem to make it through the day without so many catastrophes." He paused. I wondered if it should bother me that he was following me; instead I felt a strange surge of pleasure.

Hmm. Bella has a few kinks, methinks.

"You spied on me?" But somehow I couldn't infuse my voice with the proper outrage. I was flattered.

He was unrepentant. "What else is there to do at night?"

You could get a night life, for one thing, Eddie boy. Not climb into people's bedrooms and watch them sleep, you freak.

"How often?" I asked casually.

"Hmmm?" He sounded as if I had pulled him from some other train of thought.

I still didn't turn around. "How often did you come here?"

"I come here almost every night." (Oh shit. Oh crap. To quote Fowl: "The manure has hit the air-circulator." Am I the only one who thinks dirty? Can this get any weirder?)

I whirled, stunned. "Why?"

"You're interesting when you sleep." He spoke matter-of-factly. "You talk."

Er. Wait. WHAT?

His expression shifted instantly to chagrin. "Are you very angry with me?"

"That depends!" I felt and sounded like I'd had the breath knocked out of me.

He waited.

"On?" he urged.

"What you heard!" I wailed.

*Lynn is speechless.*

Not sure how many tissues I used while reading this. Not because I was crying. I think some of my brain fluid bled through my nose. Ah well.

Oh, and Edward PMSes.

He goes like this:

*smiles crookedly*

*intense*

*grins adorably*

*glooms*

*chuckles impishly*

*emo*

And so on, and so forth.

I can't believe I'm putting Colfer's The Wish List on hold for this. *sigh*