Paradigm shift
Thing is, I've realised, I've got myself into some sort of personal black hole. Telling myself what I can and cannot do, when I didn't even try in the first place. Phases when every minor thing seems to be huge - like before tests, quizzes, major assignments - are the worst. Even teeny little aspects of my life I've always considered stable becomes nightmarish and insane.
Then KA-BAAAAM!, something good - small tiny things, even if a friend tells you he/she likes your writing - gets things right again, and I'm high. (Unnaturally high, sometimes.) The bad phase gets dropped off, discarded, sayonara teman setiaku, and I'm happy again. It does sound like I'm going through some random emotional rollercoaster, and maybe I am; but maybe I'm not.
There is always the danger of falling into deterministic/ fatalistic thinking, like when you start going round in spirals over the same (silly) thing. Thoughts like, "That's life", and "Well you knew it was coming" and - the worst you can tell yourself, in relation to misfortune or bad luck: "You deserved it".
General population agrees that life is unfair, I think. You're happy enough repeating it to yourself when you're down. When someone tells me that, I'm uncertain about how to react. Do I accept it? Or do I react and start yelling: "I'm a free being, and it's my life I'm talking about. I can do what I like with it." (Of course, you might get yelled at in response; there is that after all.) Besides, what do they mean by "that's life"? Does every life turn out the same way? Is there a set pattern for life to wear itself out? Yeah yeah yeah, the whole talk about life having its ups and downs, but really...does everyone see the same event in the same way? I mean, imagine some cat died in your neighbourhood. The neighbours who had to put up with the cat's constant late-night yowlings and fights would probably be happy with the death. The owners - or cat lovers - would probably mourn the loss. And - I might be wrong - do people find it easier to say "that's life" when they're not actually involved in the problem, etc.?
Never ever tell yourself you deserved it when you lose something, or something or someone lets you down. Unless you've been an ungrateful ass, then maybe that might be the exception. But when something out of your control happens - a friend stops talking, you lose in some competition - don't tell yourself that you deserved it. I've done that many times before, and instead of getting me up, it just made things worst. So don't. I'm reminding myself here...wonder why.
I've got to change my way of thinking, and especially how I view myself. Especially my sad attempts to rationalize some event which gets me down (Freud's defence mechanisms here: denial, rationalization, intellectualization, etc.) by saying: "That's it". Fatalistic. That's it, Lynn, that's it, there's nothing you can do anymore. But there's always the last part I miss: Get over it. Healthily. No brooding and sulking. No blaming oneself and questioning the ifs. So move on.
I'm in a good mood today. Several people have noticed and told me. :) I've been talking more than I usually do.
So. 3 other weird things about me:
1. I like to sing off-key and play air guitar when I'm alone at home. Usually occurs when I want to cheer myself up or get over some incident I find embarrassing. When I start laughing at and with myself, it doesn't seem so bad after all. Everyone makes idiotic mistakes. We rock, Matt baby!
2. When I catch a baby or very young toddler staring at me, I'll stare back and wonder what they're thinking. And what they're thinking of me.
3. I catch myself talking about - and praising - a certain friend these days to friends in college. These people don't know anything about the person I talk about. The person doesn't know I'm doing this too. Guess who.
Love not what you are, but what you may become. ~ Miguel de Cervantes
Optimism is so easy when you're happy and things are going right. Sad, but true.
I love that quote though. Love the person you want to be, could be and would be. Brilliant.
"Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it." ~ Arthur Dent, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
LOVE this guy.
Then KA-BAAAAM!, something good - small tiny things, even if a friend tells you he/she likes your writing - gets things right again, and I'm high. (Unnaturally high, sometimes.) The bad phase gets dropped off, discarded, sayonara teman setiaku, and I'm happy again. It does sound like I'm going through some random emotional rollercoaster, and maybe I am; but maybe I'm not.
There is always the danger of falling into deterministic/ fatalistic thinking, like when you start going round in spirals over the same (silly) thing. Thoughts like, "That's life", and "Well you knew it was coming" and - the worst you can tell yourself, in relation to misfortune or bad luck: "You deserved it".
General population agrees that life is unfair, I think. You're happy enough repeating it to yourself when you're down. When someone tells me that, I'm uncertain about how to react. Do I accept it? Or do I react and start yelling: "I'm a free being, and it's my life I'm talking about. I can do what I like with it." (Of course, you might get yelled at in response; there is that after all.) Besides, what do they mean by "that's life"? Does every life turn out the same way? Is there a set pattern for life to wear itself out? Yeah yeah yeah, the whole talk about life having its ups and downs, but really...does everyone see the same event in the same way? I mean, imagine some cat died in your neighbourhood. The neighbours who had to put up with the cat's constant late-night yowlings and fights would probably be happy with the death. The owners - or cat lovers - would probably mourn the loss. And - I might be wrong - do people find it easier to say "that's life" when they're not actually involved in the problem, etc.?
Never ever tell yourself you deserved it when you lose something, or something or someone lets you down. Unless you've been an ungrateful ass, then maybe that might be the exception. But when something out of your control happens - a friend stops talking, you lose in some competition - don't tell yourself that you deserved it. I've done that many times before, and instead of getting me up, it just made things worst. So don't. I'm reminding myself here...wonder why.
I've got to change my way of thinking, and especially how I view myself. Especially my sad attempts to rationalize some event which gets me down (Freud's defence mechanisms here: denial, rationalization, intellectualization, etc.) by saying: "That's it". Fatalistic. That's it, Lynn, that's it, there's nothing you can do anymore. But there's always the last part I miss: Get over it. Healthily. No brooding and sulking. No blaming oneself and questioning the ifs. So move on.
I'm in a good mood today. Several people have noticed and told me. :) I've been talking more than I usually do.
So. 3 other weird things about me:
1. I like to sing off-key and play air guitar when I'm alone at home. Usually occurs when I want to cheer myself up or get over some incident I find embarrassing. When I start laughing at and with myself, it doesn't seem so bad after all. Everyone makes idiotic mistakes. We rock, Matt baby!
2. When I catch a baby or very young toddler staring at me, I'll stare back and wonder what they're thinking. And what they're thinking of me.
3. I catch myself talking about - and praising - a certain friend these days to friends in college. These people don't know anything about the person I talk about. The person doesn't know I'm doing this too. Guess who.
Love not what you are, but what you may become. ~ Miguel de Cervantes
Optimism is so easy when you're happy and things are going right. Sad, but true.
I love that quote though. Love the person you want to be, could be and would be. Brilliant.
"Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it." ~ Arthur Dent, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
LOVE this guy.
posted by Lynn at
6:12 pm
2 Comments:
hi there! (It must be really boring to see me here after almost every post...)
Coincidentally, I had a similar day today. Everything was so right. A friend whom I hang out with called me pretty eventhough I was so dressed down, the aunty and uncle at the chinese stalls were friendly, I joked a lot with the same gal buddy...
And I've read up a bit on Freud too. He mentioned, in essence, that depression is good for it allows one to reflect on onesself and change their view and perspective on things. So these days whenever I go into one of those phases, I alert myself to Freud. Automatically, I'd develope some positive idea to pick myself up again.
that's life. I suppose despite everyone thinking differently, when it comes down to generalising globally, there exists people who've looked at the world almost like we have. So when we say we're unique or in contrast, alike, we'd both be right. History repeats itself. That's life.
I cant remember where I heard this but: we have no right to say who deserves what and why. I've thought this way for as long as I can remember. Cik Khairulnina advised something along those lines too when I told her I didnt deserve my win.
I like to play air drums. Especially to Starlight. My favourite: pretending I'm a conductor for a grand orchestra.
Children are beautiful.
Thanks Ameera! :D Again!
I don't mind it at all!
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